Giant Tennis Ball of Uselessness
This post goes in the “Things That Will Change When I’m In Charge” file. When you’re a producer, or a director, or even a department head, your every whim and wish is attended to by scores of underlings. You want a crane shot? How high? You need crystal plates on the table? Six or eight? […]
But What I Really Want To Do Is Direct
People often ask me what I eventually want to do. It’s a tough question to answer without resorting to platitudes. It’s an old Hollywood cliché that everyone wants to be a director, so I try to avoid that, even though I graduated from what amounts to a director factory. What surprises me, though, is that […]
Parking
As much as I love Los Angeles, I truly hate parking in this city. It’s hard to find, and expensive (two things that I suspect are related, somehow). Street parking is the worst. Downtown, a nickel gets you two minutes. Which is about enough time to get to the door of the building, turn around, […]
Killing the Joke
Here’s a classic joke, told on film sets around the world, that I absolutely love. A producer, a director, and a DP are scouting locations. As they’re wandering around, one of them spots a lamp. Naturally, they decide to rub it, and, just as naturally, a genie pops out. The genie says, “Since there are […]
It Won’t Happen Again
Higher-ups often ask questions when things go wrong– “Why are you late?” “What happened to all the coffee?” “Why is my dog dead?” I used to feel compelled to answer these questions. “There was traffic.” “You drank it all.” “You don’t know how to take care of anything other than yourself; it’s a wonder your […]
Telling Stories
In keeping with this week’s sexual deviancy theme, I thought I’d finally get to the “…And then he woke up with a dick in his mouth” story. In the film and TV business, you meet new people all the time. You’re regularly expected to exchange pleasantries with strangers. This kind of small talk bugs me, […]
The Porn Ranch, Part II (May Be NSFW)
When last we left our anonymous hero, he was speaking with a man who claimed to provide 45% of the pornography on the internet. I asked him, “So, uh, how many movies can you shoot in your three week schedule?” “About thirty to fifty. Plus the photo shoots.” Maybe we has telling the truth. Sure […]
The Porn Ranch, Part I
When you’re making a low budget movie, you try to save money anywhere you can. Deferred payment for the crew, low-budget SAG contracts, and especially cheap locations. I’ve worked on many a direct-to-video feature, where the “stages” we shot on were actually just warehouses with sound proofing. (Sometimes without the sound proofing; there was one […]
Passive Voice
It’s a great way of diverting blame, but every once in a while, though, the passive voice turns around and bites you on the ass.
Unavoidable Delay
Sorry for the lack of posting today. I had a plan for today’s topic (c.f. yesterday’s “…And then he woke up with a dick in his mouth” comment), but alas, it was not meant to be. Just when I was getting myself mentally prepared to write an epic blog post, I got sent out on […]
Luck
I believe in luck, but not in the way people usually mean it. I don’t believe luck determines whether or not you’ll be successful. I think talent, hard work, and generally being nice to work with makes you successful. It’s in timing where the luck comes in. I knew a kid fresh out of film […]
Sleepy
You work some pretty long hours in the film business. No one works less than twelve hours, while some work as many as sixteen on a daily basis. Throw in a director who doesn’t know how to cover a one page scene before lunch, and you’ve got a week that starts with a 6:00am call […]