There are lots of jobs in Hollywood that I would rather have than mine. But there is one job that I would never take, no matter how much money you offered me.
A Green PA keeps a show green. They make suggestions to improve the environmental efficiency of a show. They keep track of airline miles and carbon footprints. They distribute water bottles and direct people to the recycle and compost bins after lunch. They save the world, one movie production at a time.
Just to be clear, I love the environment. I support all of the Green PA’s efforts (in theory). My problem is with the execution. The Green PA very quickly becomes a grown-up version of a hall monitor. They nag. They make unreasonable demands on an industry that, with very few exceptions, innovates about as quickly as a monastery bookmaker.
I’ve talked before about the myriad of ways that a production office could cut down on its paper consumption, but the studios haven’t come banging down my door to hire me as their Environmental Overlord.
Unfortunately, most green iniatives on a movie set just aren’t feasible. Every show gives their crew re-usable water bottles. But then they don’t have enough water coolers to provide life-giving H2O. Consequently, crew members start dropping like flies from dehydration. Ask any set medic. They’ll tell you that a lack of accessible water is the biggest cause of crew illness (or global disease in general).
Another green initiative is to cut down on air conditioning use. Wha?! Until they start putting production offices in Olympic-size wading pools, don’t try to take our air conditioning.
When I complete my rise to power in the world of studio environmentalism, I’d focus more on the little things. Every script and schedule and memo and map should be double-sided. Transpo vans should have hybrid engines. All plates and silverware should be real; none of this plastic business.
Moreover, we should be incentivizing greendom. At Toyota, employees are given a kickback when one of their suggestion saves the company money. Helloooo, nobody needs money like a crew member. So come on, big-time movie studio. Let’s put a little capitalism in this corporate quest to become environmentally friendly.
Or hire this guy: