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Am I the Only One Who Thinks Like This?

Sometimes, if I’m on the early shift, I take a yoga class at the gym after work.  It’s a good workout, and it helps to clear my head after a long day.

Usually.

The teacher coaches us with new age aphorisms in a soothing voice.  She’ll say things like, “Be in your body.”  I try my best to take it in the spirit in which it’s intended.  I’ll focus on my breathing and note which muscles are sore or stretched or whatever.

But then she’ll go on, and say, “Don’t judge.”

Aaaaaaand… I immediately start judging.  Boy, I must be out of shape, if I’m this tired.  I wonder what my ass looks like sticking up like this.  Is my gut hanging down?

See, if she didn’t say, “Don’t judge,” it wouldn’t have occurred to me to do so.  She might as well have told me to not think about a pink elephant.

You won't see shit like this in Toy Story 3.
Holy shit, Disney movies used to be weird.

That’s bad enough in itself.  Later on, she’ll say something along the lines of, “Be in the moment.”

Perfect, that’s why I’m here.  It’s good advice.  Should probably stop there, but, oh no- “Forget about everything that happened earlier today.  Forget about this whole week. Leave work outside the room.”

Lady, I was doing that just fine, until you brought it up again.  Now I can’t think of anything else but my boss yelling at me, the copier jamming, the cast being dumb.

Basically, unless you want to correct my Downward Dog, stick with the basics, please.

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One Response

  1. I stopped attending a meditation group because the leader kept injecting her own visualization suggestions into it. As in, “You meet a figure in the woods. Maybe it’s Jesus Christ.” What if I wanted my spiritual guide to be the Easter Bunny? Or a naked Chris Meloni? Now my whole meditation is tainted by someone else’s vision, which defeats the entire purpose.

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