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Dogs at Work

I love my dog. She’s great. She’s adorable and fun and a very good listener.1 We spend hours at the dog park every weekend, then she curls up in my lap and we watch Transparent together. She even sleeps in my bed, and if she doesn’t approve of a date I bring home, he’s gone. I take her almost everywhere.

Except work.

Why? Because she’s my dog. I think she’s special, but I’m aware that nobody else gives a fuck. And that’s okay. She’s my dog, not yours.

Our production accountant doesn’t feel the same way. He brought his dog to work every day. Until today.

INT. ACCOUNTING OFFICE – DAY – FLASHBACK

The office is a mess; stacks of paperwork cover every available surface, from desks to filing cabinets to empty chairs. A big, hairy GOLDEN RETRIEVER sits in the corner, barking at, apparently, nothing.

A dopey, balding, bespectacled man (obviously an ACCOUNTANT) points a stern finger at the dog.

ACCOUNTANT

Barkley! No!

The dog ignores him.

LINE PRODUCER (50s, barrel-chested, greying at the temples) strolls into the room like he’s the boss of everything. Because he is.

LINE PRODUCER

Accountant, we need to talk about Barkley.

ACCOUNTANT

Awesome! I love talking about Barkley. Isn’t he great? He’s so cute and friendly, and--

LINE PRODUCER

Erm... no. I mean, the fact that he’s here. When you first started at Big Damn Network Show, you assured me he wouldn’t disrupt the office.

ACCOUNTANT

He hasn’t! In fact, I think he boosts morale.

Barkley continues barking at the wall.

LINE PRODUCER

He barks at everyone-- the writers, the PAs... ghosts, apparently? Seriously, what is he barking at?

ACCOUNTANT

Dogs can sense danger.

LINE PRODUCER

Fantastic. Every paycheck I’ve gotten in the last three months has been covered in dog hair.

ACCOUNTANT

He licks the envelopes for me.

LINE PRODUCER

And I’m sure that’s the most efficient way to do it. But I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop bringing Barkley to the office. It’s unprofessional.

ACCOUNTANT

You’re just not a dog person.

LINE PRODUCER

No, I love dogs. But I leave mine at home. He’s loud, he smells, he makes a mess of things.

ACCOUNTANT

The same could be said of babies, and you let Costume Designer bring hers to work.

LINE PRODUCER

Do you know what the difference is between your dog and her baby?

Accountant gives him a quizzical look.

LINE PRODUCER (CONT’D)

One is a dog, and one is A HUMAN FUCKING BEING. Bring your dog into this office again, and I will find a new accountant!

Okay, I wasn’t in the room, so I didn’t hear it work for word. Except that last part. The line producer really did scream that at the accountant, which is both terrible and hilarious.

Lesson is: don’t bring your dog to work. You may think she’s your baby, but she is not. She’s just a dog.

Footnotes    (↩ returns to text)

  1. Yes, I realize I’m insane.
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4 Responses

  1. I’m so happy you posted this! I have 2 dogs of my own and love them dearly! But when I was a POC at a commercial house the CD would bring her dog in everyday, and although the dog was lovely she would bark at clients and beg for my food. It was so annoying because when she would leave for lunch I would have to babysit her dog. It got me so mad, and I thought it made it us look so unorganized. Thankfully I don’t work there anymore, but that was a GIANT pet peeve I had.

  2. Meh. I think it really depends on the behavior of the dog. I actually do think having a dog in the office boosts moral and if I knew I could bring a dog into work, I might actually have one. I’ve been in offices were the dogs were on excellent behavior, it was lovely. However, if the dog is disruptive, like the one in your story, then yes, they should be left at home.

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