I love my dog. She’s great. She’s adorable and fun and a very good listener.1 We spend hours at the dog park every weekend, then she curls up in my lap and we watch Transparent together. She even sleeps in my bed, and if she doesn’t approve of a date I bring home, he’s gone. I take her almost everywhere.
Why? Because she’s my dog. I think she’s special, but I’m aware that nobody else gives a fuck. And that’s okay. She’s my dog, not yours.
Our production accountant doesn’t feel the same way. He brought his dog to work every day. Until today.
INT. ACCOUNTING OFFICE – DAY – FLASHBACK
The office is a mess; stacks of paperwork cover every available surface, from desks to filing cabinets to empty chairs. A big, hairy GOLDEN RETRIEVER sits in the corner, barking at, apparently, nothing.
A dopey, balding, bespectacled man (obviously an ACCOUNTANT) points a stern finger at the dog.
The dog ignores him.
LINE PRODUCER (50s, barrel-chested, greying at the temples) strolls into the room like he’s the boss of everything. Because he is.
Accountant, we need to talk about Barkley.
Awesome! I love talking about Barkley. Isn’t he great? He’s so cute and friendly, and--
Erm... no. I mean, the fact that he’s here. When you first started at Big Damn Network Show, you assured me he wouldn’t disrupt the office.
He hasn’t! In fact, I think he boosts morale.
Barkley continues barking at the wall.
He barks at everyone-- the writers, the PAs... ghosts, apparently? Seriously, what is he barking at?
Dogs can sense danger.
Fantastic. Every paycheck I’ve gotten in the last three months has been covered in dog hair.
He licks the envelopes for me.
And I’m sure that’s the most efficient way to do it. But I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop bringing Barkley to the office. It’s unprofessional.
You’re just not a dog person.
No, I love dogs. But I leave mine at home. He’s loud, he smells, he makes a mess of things.
The same could be said of babies, and you let Costume Designer bring hers to work.
Do you know what the difference is between your dog and her baby?
Accountant gives him a quizzical look.
LINE PRODUCER (CONT’D)
One is a dog, and one is A HUMAN FUCKING BEING. Bring your dog into this office again, and I will find a new accountant!
Okay, I wasn’t in the room, so I didn’t hear it work for word. Except that last part. The line producer really did scream that at the accountant, which is both terrible and hilarious.
Lesson is: don’t bring your dog to work. You may think she’s your baby, but she is not. She’s just a dog.
- Yes, I realize I’m insane.↩