My Location

You don’t ever want a show filming in your neighborhood, or worse, your own apartment building. You will find out EXACTLY what kind of area you live in.

You see, TV shows don’t have time for nuance and subtlety. They need the audience to understand immediately what kind of location they’re at. If a character is rich, they live in a MANSION. But even that’s not enough. You have to see why he’s rich. If the guy’s an NFL player, his mansion is covered with football memorabilia. It’s not like he can have other interests; no old movie posters on the wall, or, god forbid, a bookshelf.

But I don’t live in a mansion, I live in a shitty apartment in North Hollywood. And a few months ago, a TV series shot in the apartment next to mine. They brought in big lights and a camera crew and some recognizable actors, and it was cool and all.

Until I watched the show. Turns out the guy next door is a serial rapist.

Think about it. This series has access to ALL of Los Angeles. They could film in a run down house, an alleyway, an abandoned factory, basically anywhere, and this TV crew decided my neighbor’s house just screamed “serial rapist.” As soon as the TV viewers see the cops enter this apartment, they’ll be like, “Oh, yeah, that guy’s totally a rapist. Look at his apartment.”

Here’s the worst part– This guy lived here before I did. I checked out the apartment and neighborhood and everything before moving in, and yet somehow missed the obvious rapepartment next door.

One other thing I noticed, watching the show. This is one of those gritty, real police procedural shows, with the shakey camera and a lot of improvved dialogue. As the cops are bantering on their way to arrest the serial rapist, one of them comments on how dirty the pool is. These two actors, they’re in character, they’re thinking like cops  on their way to arrest someone for committing the most horrible crime one human being can do to another, not once, but multiple times, and along the way, this cop notices the pool is dirty.

That is one dirty fucking pool.

Look, I understand that they’re just actors pretending to be cops, but think about the number of people that had to approve that line before it wound up on my TV. The editor, director, producers, network executives, all of these people had to go, “Listen, I know we’re doing a serious episode about an important subject that affects millions of women around the world, but that pool… that pool cannot go unmentioned. I mean, look at it! If the cops walk past it and don’t mention it at all, the audience is going to be like, ‘Wow, did they not see how dirty that pool was? I know they’re hunting a serial rapist, but they should’ve at least noticed. These are the worst cops in the world!'”

I immediately called up my landlord: “You gotta get this pool cleaned, dude. Yes, I know, I’m watching it right now, too, that’s why I’m telling you, it’s a dirty fucking pool. I already live next to Mr. Rapenstein, can we at least have a clean pool?”

In conclusion, does anybody need a new roommate? I’m moving soon.

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4 Responses

  1. I was working on a film about prostitutes and one of the scenes needed a shady and gross hotel. Well… they found one. The crew and cast all were saying they were going to get shots and get tested afterwards.

    A year later, the hotel closed.

  2. On one of the first movies I worked on, we needed to find an apartment that immediately communicated “The person who lives here has sunk as low as it is possible to sink.” When I took the Director and Production Designer to see the one I thought was best (i.e. worst), they walked in a shrieked “It’s PERFECT! I’d fucking shoot myself if I had to live here!”

    The tenant promptly backed out of the deal. 🙂

  3. I too live in a shitty apartment in North Hollywood. I’ve got to get out of here. It has never been so clear.

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