Writing about dogs in unusual professions took me back to the good old days of reading scripts and writing coverage.
“Coverage” is basically a synopsis of a script, followed by comments on its quality. This usually involves reading the script twice: once to get a sense of the script, and again so I can get the details right in the synopsis. This is extremely painful when the script is bad, as you might imagine.
The one benefit of this task is that, when the script is really bad, I get to make fun of it. A lot. Here are some of my more amusing comments:
“This movie is so aggravatingly bad that I think it’s best not to waste any more of your time by enumerating its shortcomings. Let’s just cut to the chase: it’s a crappy, nonsensical script, written by a near-illiterate, who probably has bad breath as well.”
“It’s like Seven meets Final Destination, without any of the good qualities either of those might imply.”
“Frankie and June are also unsuccessfully trying to have a baby, though this is so irrelevant to the story that I can’t even think of an amusingly hyperbolic comparison. In fact, I’m quite certain that, years from now, people will compare other irrelevant things to this plot point: ‘Wow, that’s almost as irrelevant as Frankie and June trying to get pregnant in Jimmy’s Day Out!'”
“Aaron’s boss Sam offers Aaron the keys to his yacht to take out to sea whenever he feels like it. Then Chekhov walks in and hangs a gun on the wall.”
Later, in coverage for the same script: “He heads for the harbor, where Sam’s yacht awaits. Chekhov yells, ‘Bang!'”
“This script is so aggravatingly bad that it’s hard not to suspect it’s some elaborate practical joke, and I’m being filmed even as I write this coverage.”
“Alas, I think someone, somewhere, poured their heart and soul into this script, printed it out, and said, ‘This is the one, baby! My ship will come in this time!’ I actually feel a little bad about all the mean comments I wrote. Not so bad that I’d recommend this crappy script, though.”
“Did you give this script to me as some sort of punishment? Whatever I did, I’m sorry.”
“Why doesn’t she spend time with her brother? Hell, why does her brother exist? This character’s almost as irrelevant as Frankie and June trying to get pregnant in Jimmy’s Day Out.”
“After reading this script (twice!), I’ve decided the only reasonable thing to do is to shred it, take the clippings, shred them again, burn those clippings, bury the ashes, and then salt the earth, so that nothing may ever grow from this script.”
That last one is my favorite.