Monthly Archives: July 2008

It’s Not Too New. You’re Too Old.

Posted on July 30, 2008 by | 2 Comments

Today, my boss handed me a spreadsheet where one line had spilled over onto a second page. She told me to cut and paste it onto one page. It took me a moment to realize she meant using scissors and glue.

I said to her, “I was born in the eighties. I haven’t physically cut and pasted anything since kindergarten.” Honestly, I wouldn’t have been able to do it without making a terrible mess.

My boss doesn’t seem to realize it’s 2008. She hates filling out forms on the computer; she actually brought in a typewriter to type forms.

Once, I sent her an e-mail on a Friday night, and she didn’t get it until Monday morning. Indignantly, she spat, “Why did you e-mail this? I don’t check my e-mail on weekends.”

Look, lady, I know you grew up with a party line, but communication technology has advanced in the last fifty years.

And while we’re at it, quit using AOL. That barely even counts as e-mail.

(On a side note, I used that “party line” joke on another PA, and he didn’t even know what a party line was.)

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Posted in On the Job

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An Earthquake? In Los Angeles? My Stars!

Posted on July 29, 2008 by | 6 Comments

Yes, I survived the earthquake. I was driving at the time, and I didn’t even realize it had happened until my sister called me to ask if I was okay.

Jesus, it was a 5.4. The only reason I wouldn’t be okay is that I got distracted picking up the phone because you called to see if I was okay.

I immediately called my mother, because I knew her call would be next; she calls when there’s an earthquake in San Fransisco. Which is more on target than my wife’s family, who called to see if we were okay during hurricane Katrina. They’re sweet, but they don’t have a firm grasp on American geography.

In other cities, people talk about the weather. Since we don’t have weather, Angelinos talked about the quake all afternoon.

I hate small talk like this. “Hey, did you experience the geological disturbance this afternoon?”
“The one felt by over 18 million people? I sure did! You?”
“Yup!”

It’s not even small talk.  It’s tiny talk.  You’re just reaching for the absolute lowest common denominator. You’re admitting, I don’t know you at all, so what can I guarantee we have in common? I know! The ground!

You might as well be like,
“Hey, how’s gravity working out for you?”
“Pretty good. You?”

Or,

“You’re here? Now? Me, too!”
“That’s amazing! I’m here, too!”

Ugh.

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Posted in Off-Topic

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My New Favorite Blog

Posted on July 29, 2008 by | 2 Comments

I tend to find film criticism either insufferably pedantic, ill informed, or both. I prefer to take my criticism with wit and irony. And possibly pedophilia jokes.

I recently found David Bordwell’s blog. His name sounded familiar, and after a bit of googling, I realized I’d read his book Film Art Introduction in film school.

At the time, I found him insufferably pedantic, but I’m starting to appreciate him more. Take the following quote about editing: “Intensified continuity [a pretentious film-school term if I've ever heard one] is about using brief shots to maintain the audience’s interest but also making each shot yield a single point, a bit of information. Got it? On to the next shot.”

This blew my mind. I mean, I knew that it was true. I had a sense about this, in the same way I knew what the Kuleshov Effect was before I’d heard the term, even though I’d never quite articulated it.

I even shoot my own shorts this way. I can think of only one shot in the past year that accomplished two points. I just never realized I was doing it until Bordwell pointed it out.

Excited by this concept, I called a friend to discuss the implications. It seemed like we’d hit a wall in terms of coverage; I mean, you can’t have less than one meaning per shot (although the coyote in Collateral comes close).

Should we go back to long takes? Fuck Brian De Palma and his “Hey, look at me, I’ve got a steadicam!” style of shooting.

On the other hand, take David Fincher, and Seven. The scene where Brad Pitt meets Morgan Freeman is a single, four minute long dolly shot. It’s not show-offy, MTV-style, music video aesthetic. (And Fincher started out as a music video director.) But the scene isn’t boring. The writing, the acting, the composition, the lighting, the set design, hell, even the rain effects all work together to create an absolutely engrossing scene.

My friend pointed out that getting that right is hard as fuck. One-shot-one-point is much easier. Each shot/point gets exactly the emphasis it needs, because you can cut it longer or shorter, pick the medium shot or the close up, whatever.

Maybe I rely on lots of coverage because I’m not as good a director as Fincher.

…Yeah, that’s definitely the reason.

Anyway, the point is, this discussion would never have happened without David Bordwell. I suggest you check him out.

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Posted in Off-Topic

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Be Prepared

Posted on July 26, 2008 by | 2 Comments

Yesterday, we had a table read (meaning the actors read the script in front of the producers and network executives). The only thing you need to bring to a table read is your script.

Guess what the director didn’t bring.

Besides his script, I was also told to grab his bag. In his office, he had three bags.

Something happens to directors, producers, and various other important people after a while. Everyone around them is so concerned with taking care of the details and eliminating distractions, these above-the-line types forget how to take care of themselves. Someone’s always there to tell them where they have to be, and when, and what they’ll be doing there. They don’t have to think for themselves.

Oddly, it sounds a lot like being a PA, only they get paid a lot more.

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Posted in On the Job, The Industry

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Memo To Anyone Sending in Your Resume

Posted on July 24, 2008 by | 31 Comments

If you’re sending in your resume, please keep the following in mind:

  • Your resume does not need to be six pages long. Steven Spielberg’s is not that long. I used to work for an agency that represented Oscar and Emmy winners, and no one’s resume was more than a page. If you just graduated from film school, trust me, you can condense your resume.
  • Nobody cares that you worked at Victoria’s Secret in high school.
  • “Follows directions” is not a skill. It’s an assumed character trait of anyone applying for a job.

“Do you follow directions?”
“Nope.”
“Great, you have the job! Just sign right here.”
“NO!”

  • If you’re applying to be a PA, don’t tell us you were a DP on some project we’ve never heard of. We know it’s a student film, and no, it doesn’t count.
  • No, your spec screenplays don’t count, either.
  • We know what a PA does. You don’t have to describe script distro as “supervising the flow of confidential paperwork / client information.” Here’s all the information we need: Position, Show Title, Production Company. Anything else is just padding.
  • While we’re on the subject of brevity, your cover letter should not be so long that it starts, “Call me Ishmael.” Half a page is all you need.

“Hi, my name is _________. I heard you were hiring PAs. I have _____ years of experience in TV/film/whatever. I’m sure I could be an asset to your show. I look forward to hearing from you. Best, _______.”

  • Please do write a cover letter. If you send in a resume by itself, you look like a presumptive jerk. “My resume is so awesome, I don’t even have to tell you I’d like a job. You want to hire me.”
  • There is no “hiring manager” or “human resources department” on a show. Find out the coordinator’s name, and address your letter properly.

Quit killing trees!

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Posted in Finding a Job, On the Job

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Ah, My Younger Days…

Posted on July 23, 2008 by | 4 Comments

Writing yesterday about my film school pilot, I thought about our terrible professors for the first time in years. They were all pretty old, and set in their ways. They wouldn’t let us do anything unusual, like, oh, say, move the camera in the shot. They drained every ounce of originality from the production. Like network executives, only not paid as well.

At the time, I also worked for the school. I asked my grizzled old boss what he thought of the situation. Was it going to be this hard to get things done in the real world? He assured me no studio is run as inefficiently as film school. They’d go out of business.

“Everyone is here because either they’re too old to hack it any more,” and he included himself in this group (he was old enough to be on a first name basis with Walt Disney), “or, if they’re young, they never will.”

I looked around at my professors and saw that he was right. When I checked credits on imdb, either I didn’t recognize anything they’d worked on, or their last project of note was done before I was born.

After I graduated, I had an AD who was an asshole (not all that uncommon for ADs, sadly) and had no idea what he was doing. I later found out he taught a directing class at our alma mater. I felt bad for his students.

This obviously calls to mind the old saying, “Those who can, do; those who can’t, teach.” Out of curiosity (and lack of anything to do), I tried to figure out who coined that phrase. Apparently, everyone did. On further researching, I discovered it’s actually a bastardization of a quote from Aristotle: “Those that know, do. Those that understand, teach.”

While I think the latter is nicer (my wife is a teacher, after all), the former one applied to my professors much better.

(On an unrelated note, I’m excited to learn I’m not the only one in Hollywood who votes Republican.)

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Posted in About Me, The Industry

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Learning Experiences

Posted on July 22, 2008 by | 4 Comments

In film school, I worked on a sitcom pilot for the campus TV station. It was for a class, so if you wanted to be either the director, the writer, or the producer, you had to interview with the professors. They made three highly questionable choices.

There were a lot of funny people on our crew, but the writer wasn’t one of them. It’s not that he had a strange, Andy Kaufman-type sense of humor; nor did he make obscure, Dennis Miller-style references. No, his dialogue was just… words. That weren’t funny.

The director had terrible instincts. We found an actor who was able to draw some humor out of the terrible script by creating a layered performance. He essentially treated his character’s public persona as a different person from his private one, and that tension built comedy. (Trust me, it was funny.) The director saw this and naturally decided the actor should do it completely differently. And less funny.

To complete the trifecta, we had a lousy producer. He was totally disorganized. He never knew what was going on, or when it needed to happen. It was amazing we got the show finished at all.

Did I mention I was the producer?

So, you see, Dawn, there’s a very good reason why I don’t want to be a coordinator, UPM, or anything along those lines. Besides the very obvious fact that I’m not good at it, I don’t enjoy it, either.

Being good at, and enjoying, producing is so far removed from my own experiences, that I really do not understand people who are good, and do enjoy it. Of course, my parents don’t understand how I can stand finding a new job every six months.

It’s not an insult. It’s genuine confusion. But I am glad there are people out there who do produce. Nothing would get done without them.

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Posted in About Me, The Industry

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Weekend Viewing

Posted on July 21, 2008 by | 1 Comment

Unlike most people, I didn’t go to Dark Knight this weekend. I’ve already seen it on a regular screen, and all the Imax screenings were sold out.

Instead, I went to Venice beach. (In my excitement to be outside and away from the office, I called up a friend who lives in Hawaii, which is akin to him calling me from Interstate H-1 to tell me how cool it was he was driving at 65mph.)

I love all the crazy, hand-made things the street vendors sell on the Venice boardwalk. I saw this set of salt and pepper shakers that looked like two people hugging. It was really cute, until I noticed that the salt and pepper poured from their eyes, making them the creepiest salt and pepper shakers ever.

I also saw some hand painted, ceramic skulls. It took me a minute to realize that they were bongs. I wondered what other home decorations I’d seen were actually bongs. Your name on a grain of rice? A bong. The painting of your name made out of rainbows and dolphins? A bong. The hugging salt and pepper shakers? Bongs, with the smoke coming out of the eyes.

Another thing I love about Venice is the canals. I didn’t even know they existed, until a couple of years ago. When my wife and I stumbled upon them, she said, “Oh, I wondered where the canals were.” Shows how much I know about Italy.

I don’t know if they named the city “Venice,” then decided to dig the canals, or if they found the canals naturally and thought “Venice” fit.

I prefer to believe the city founder one day just declared, “I hereby name this city, “Venice!” And… Hey, you, what are you doing over there?”

Then a confused guy with a shovel looks around, and says, “Just digging some canals. Why?”

(Please don’t tell me the actual story. Mine’s better. Admit it.)

The best part of Venice, though, is the people watching. There were roller skaters dancing, hippies playing bad Bob Dylan and/or Marley covers, skate boarders Ollying, a homeless man declaring George Bush is controlled by aliens, people practicing Capoeira, another homeless guy declaring the first one is controlled by aliens, sunbathers sunbathing, surfers surfing, muscle builders building muscle, and generally a throng of people hustling and bustling up and down the beach.

Los Angeles doesn’t have a Commons, or a Central Park, or what have you. We have the beach. Whether they live on the West Side, or in the Valley, or in East L.A., rich or poor, black, white, Hispanic, Asian, or other, in the Industry or just a civilian, a P.A. or a studio executive, everyone goes to the beach. If you want to see, to experience, to be a part of a cross section of this great metropolis, just go to the beach.

I promise you’ll have a great time.

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Posted in About Me, Off-Topic

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What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?

Posted on July 18, 2008 by | 10 Comments

Yesterday, the writers’ assistant asked me if I wanted to be a production coordinator.

The question puzzled me. Who actually wants to be a coordinator? I can’t imagine anyone stepping off the bus in L.A., and thinking to themselves, “I can’t wait to coordinate some productions!”

I know some people roll off the turnip truck wanting to be actors, and, thanks to the cult of the auteur, others want to be directors. I get those (sorta).

People’s interests vary, so I can even understand someone wanting to be a DP, a costume designer, or any of the creative department heads. (On a side note, I am a little confused as to why they would want to work in movies, rather than in their own unique field. Why not just become a photographer or a clothing designer?)

Personally, I always knew I wanted to be some kind of writer. It took me a while to figure out I wanted to be a screenwriter, but once I did, I’ve focussed on nothing else.

But I really can’t imagine someone devoting themselves to becoming, say, a UPM or an AD. It doesn’t seem like a dream. It strikes me more as something you fall into, when you realize you’re organized, and not much good in any other department.

Do people really want to be coordinators, or do they just become them?

Maybe I’m just prejudiced. I don’t know.

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Posted in On the Job, The Industry

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Naming Names

Posted on July 17, 2008 by | 5 Comments

I was walking down the hall at the studio, yesterday (as is my wont to do), when one of our producer/writers came out of the bathroom just as I passed it.  We did that awkward thing where you’re walking at the same speed to the same place, without actually walking together.

Feeling the need to make small talk, I asked him how things were going down the hall (where our writers’ offices are).

“Pretty good,” he said. “Making progress.”

“That’s good.”

Awkward pause.

Then he asked, “Are you on [the expensive, and much better, cable show whose writers' office is down the hall in the opposite direction]?”

Even more awkward, for me, at least, pause.

“No, I- I work for your show. I’m in the production office” fifteen feet down the hall from your office.

“Oh.”

I don’t begrudge him not knowing my name. I can’t remember his, either. To me, he’s just Balding, Socially Awkward Producer Who Wears Flannel Like He’s In An Early Nineties Rock Band, Despite Being Old Enough To Remember When The Beatles Played On Ed Sullivan’s Show.

Hell, I don’t even care if he doesn’t know what position I’m in. There’s at least a hundred positions on a TV crew, and he can’t know who does what. But seriously, shouldn’t he at least remember the face of the guy he walks by every day on his way to writing terrible scripts?

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Posted in On the Job, The Industry

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