It’s Called “Television,” Not “Teleolfaction”

The other day, one of our actresses was so sick that she needed to be driven to the doctor. By this, I mean she had a minor fever and wasn’t feeling very hungry. I’m pretty sure my mom would have made me go to school with those symptoms, but when it’s an actress, the producers insist she be driven to Woodland Hills immediately.

I always seem to be the one stuck driving actresses places. I used to object: “I don’t want to be driving this ingenue around. I’m married!”

“That’s why I want you to go,” my boss replied. I guess he didn’t think very highly of the other guys in the office.

This particular actress isn’t a diva, so I wasn’t to put off having to drive her. When I pulled up to her trailer, she said “Hi,” and climbed in. And my eyes started watering immediately.

At first I couldn’t figure out what was wrong. Then I realized, it was her perfume.

She must have just bathed in it, or something. Or maybe she was bitten by the zombie corpse of Coco Chanel. In any case, I was driving 70mph with the windows down, and the smell was still cloying.

Even after I dropped her off, I couldn’t get the stink out. My car smelled like a hooker’s vagina for a week.

When I got home, my wife gave me a hug, then said, “Why do you smell like another woman’s perfume?” I swore up and down that I had just given an actress a ride. I’m not sure she believed me, until the next morning when she opened the car door and promptly passed out from the fumes.

I’m not sure why the actress was wearing any perfume at all, let alone enough to make actual, visible stink lines around her. No one in the viewing audience can smell her. Maybe she wanted to smell good for the doctor?

A few days later, I picked up Baja Fresh for 2nd meal. Now my car smells like a Mexican hooker’s vagina.

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11 Responses

  1. A long, long time ago in a borrough not so far away, I was instructed to go with a now very famous actress on some errand so they could page me 1/2 hour before she’d be needed on set. (We’re talking before readily available cell phones.) I went to her trailer to ask if she was ready. She had just come out of the bathroom and…let’s just say there was no mistaking what she’d been up to in there. While I was trying to pretend I didn’t notice anything, the teamster showed up.

    He immediately made a horrible face and said (in NewYawkeese-Teamster accent), “Jeez! Whatchoo been eatin’? Feet?”

  2. This reminds me of a favorite joke.

    An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when she “accidently” passed some gas. She rumaged through her bag, and came up with a can of pine-sented air freshener. She sprayed some into the air.

    Then the elevator stopped and picked up another passenger, a somewhat drunk and disheveled guy. Thinking to start a conversation where she could extoll the virtues of her products, she said,” My, doesn’t it smell nice and fresh in here.”

    The drunk replied, “Frankly, lady, it smells like someone just shit a Christmas tree!”

  3. Hey, I’m one of the “Let’s Go Visiting” sheep sent your way by Nathan.

    Overwhelming smells of any type make me nuts. I want to ask people who drench in perfume how they manage to look ok since they’ve obviously had traumatic nose injury at some point.

    The generous part of me says maybe she had bad gas and was trying to cover the smell.

    The realist says that she is clueless and olfactory impaired.

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